Sick again

Oh joy, the start of a week, the start of a new month and a lovely sickness to get in my way of being productive. I tried to get a ton of rest yesterday, even going so far as to being in bed and asleep by 915, but this morning I'm starting to get aches and I'm really exhausted.


Last night I had a dream about Michelle and it was mentally exhausting. It was sad and it made me sad. In some ways, I'm not looking forward to living in the home in which she killed herself, but Cavan and I (and Ryley too) are starting to get pretty excited about the move. It's going to be exhausting, but it's coming up fast and we're ready to go, I think. Obviously we still have a lot to do to prepare our current apartment ever just for viewing, and we pretty much have zero time for it, but we're less stressed about it than we are excited.

In other news, I'm rebelling against a form of authority again. What's new, right? Well, I just can't stand managers that a.) micromanage (BETH) or b.) try to micromanage during our monthly meetings but rarely actually talk to me or give me guidance any other time of the month (DESIREE).

I don't know what Desiree thinks her job is as the Promise Fellow supervisor, but I'm pretty sure it's more than half an hour the first Monday of each month. Sometimes she talks to me when I see her in the hall, but not even usually that. Seriously? And then you're going to get on my ass because I did work from home one day? I'm sorry, but you wouldn't have even known if I was here that day. So what the fuck difference does it make? None, actually. If I can log hours for reading a book, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to drive into work to do so. Nobody else was at work that day because of MEAs and there's no reason we should be punished and have to come into work. I'm sorry, but I'm an AmeriCorps member and get paid little to nothing to do this job. If that means I don't want to waste an hours' worth of gas in a day I don't HAVE to be here, I'm not going to. They need to understand that.

I'm just tired and frustrated. I can't stand that Desiree is going to get on my case for working from home that one day. To be honest, I get a hell of a lot more done that day than I would have if I came into the office to work. She is a terrible supervisor and that's that.

Long weekend left me feeling refreshed.

Last week was MEAs for teachers, so Kati and I gave ourselves a long weekend.

Thursday I worked from home for half the day and spent the rest of the day with Connie and Judi. I was able to take a nap and go out for Indian food with Cavan that evening. Friday was spent running around with Cavan during the day and eating pizza and watching movies all night. It was great and relaxing. Such a great way to spend a hard-earned day off. I got a new blackberry, which was AWESOME, so I spent a lot of the weekend trying to figure it all out.

Of course Saturday I had to work at Pottery Barn and Cavan worked at Ryley's. For dinner we met his family at the Liffey. For some reason it wasn't as nice as it usually is, but the food was good and it was good to see everyone again before Connie and Mike left. Ryley bought dinner and seems to be so excited about all of the work that's getting done on his place. I'm excited for him, and for us too. It's official that we'll be moving in downstairs on December 1. We called Mary this weekend and she was definitely okay with us just letting her know. It felt good to get that taken care of, but Cavan is now a little stressed that Ryley's either won't be done in time or that it'll be a huge chore moving Ryley upstairs. I know it will be, because it is going to take going through all of Michelle's things, but hopefully he will be do excited that he'll have a little bit of motivation to just get through it.

Cavan is really excited to be moving into a bigger and nicer place. I am too, but change is always difficult for me. I am excited to be closer to work and to live in NE. Closer to everything, really. Cavan has really been looking at beds, rugs, and everything to fill in the space and I just think it's so damn cute. It's great that he's even more excited about that stuff than I am. I usually would go crazy for that sort of thing, but I'm just concerned about money now. I started a savings account last week and am working on a savings plan. Because I make such little money, it's really hard to focus on saving and moving and decorating and everything in between. Especially with Christmas coming up. I want to be able to save at LEAST $3,000 for a rainy day fund that I won't touch unless I absolutely have to. But then I find myself wanting boots and clothes and other stupid things that I've been going without for so long.

I know that Cavan expects to be taking on most of the cost of moving and decorating and everything, which is admirable, but I'm just not interested in him paying for everything.We just bought a PB sofa yesterday and should have it by the time we move into Ryley's. I am so excited for it, but it's also nerve-wracking. It's the first big purchase that we've made together and it's a definite splurge. But it'll be so nice to have a nice living room to come back to everyday. Something so warm and inviting will not go to waste, so I feel okay about it. Cavan loves it almost as much as I do, and it's going to fit perfectly in the living room. The next big thing we're going to get is a bed frame and then probably a couple of rugs. It's scary and a lot of spending, but it's also really exciting.

Alisha and Jake got engaged last week. It's so awesome and I couldn't be happier for them. I think for a while I was hoping that Cavan would propose sooner rather than later, but for now I think I'm really happy with our relationship and how it's developing. We're taking really great steps together, and I feel really good about the way I'm developing independently from the relationship. I've been making plans for after AmeriCorps, including a grad school program, developing my financial security, and planning for the longer-term future. I want to set myself up for success so that when I'm actually making better money, it'll be really easy to up my savings and feel really good about my plans. I want Cavan to start thinking about that stuff, too, and I think that he's interested. He started a savings account, too, and I think he really has the hopes of doing the same things. Building his credit, saving for the future, etc.

Last week was simultaneously scary, exciting, depressing, and happy. But for the most part I am happy about where I am and how things are going. It seems to be a really slow process for me, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I'm scared, but it all seems like it's working.

Hard week, easy week

Last week was really difficult for a few different reasons. Michelle's birthday was yesterday, and Saturday was three months since she killed herself. The whole week I was pretty emotional and Cavan was so busy that he only started taking it hard on Saturday night. He's so afraid that he's going to get a call that Ryley has done the same thing.

Friday night I had one of my fainting spells after working and babysitting all day. I fell, hurt both of my ankles pretty bad, and apparently injured my right wrist. It is now really irritated, and I'm afraid I broke it again where I had before. The only problem is that my insurance is so bad that I can't afford to go to the doctor to get it checked out. I think I'm going to wait a week or so and if it's still bad, I will just need to bite the bullet and see someone about it.

I hate feeling so helpless that I can't go to the doctor to fix what is hurting me. I don't understand why our culture is the way it is. I'm sitting here in my service position with the United States government and I cannot bear to go to the doctor to get my painful injury checked out because I make $5 an hour and my insurance is cut-rate.

I'm depressed, sore, and not willing to write much more.

Great weekend, long week ahead.

Gourds at the Farmer's Market in Two Harbors, MN.

 Cavan and I went to Duluth this weekend. Even though I was (and still am) feeling under the weather, it was an incredible weekend. The hotel was pretty crumby, but it was really nice to have that space to just relax and regroup. It was so great to have nothing to do except eat and rest and be with Cavan.

It's been a while since we spent that kind of quality time together. The last few weekends have been hectic and our Sundays have to include grocery shopping and chores because we have no time to do them any other day of the week. Very little time for relaxing.

The North Shore was beautiful. Friday night we spent getting dinner and relaxing in the hotel. Cavan and I watched quite a bit of TV during our off-times, but it was totally enjoyable. That cable just sucked me in for a while and we watched a ton of wedding and HGTV shows. Cavan humored me all weekend. He seemed to enjoy it, too, but I think he just really liked being alone with me in a completely relaxing atmosphere. When I asked him yesterday what his favorite part was, he said it was spending 48 uninterrupted hours with me. I have to say that was my favorite part, too.

Saturday we woke up and went to breakfast at The Sunshine Cafe in West Duluth. The cafe is run by a very welcoming Korean woman, who treated me like I was family. It was cash only, so Cavan had to get up before we ordered to go to an atm close by. The owner asked if I liked cats and brought me "The Cat Encyclopedia" to keep me company while Cavan was gone for money. ha. I thought it was really cute and the omelet I had was delicious, too.

After breakfast, we went back to the hotel to shower and rest a bit. I really wanted to take a bath while we were in a place that I could, and even though the bathtub was pretty leaky, I was able to take a bit of a bath. When we were ready to go, we walked down to the nearby Starbucks and got some coffee for our little drive up the coast of Superior. We took the scenic route and stopped a few times with no real time limit and no real destination. I took some pictures and really just enjoyed the drive with Cavan. We made it up to Gooseberry Falls and did a little bit of a walk through the trails. We were hardly the only people there, which made it a little less enjoyable, but it was a beautiful day for a walk and the colors were just beginning to be impressive. The drive back to Duluth only took about a half an hour to 45 minutes, so we relaxed and hung out for a bit once we got there.

Saturday night we went out to Superior, Wisconsin for dinner and some drinks. Ryley recommended The Thirsty Pagan Brewery Company for beer and pizza, and that sounded welcome to us. The pizza was yummy and the beer was great. After The Thirsty Pagan, we hit up the Anchor Bar (which Cavan had been talking about pretty much since we started dating). It was yummy and cheap, but we were ready to get comfortable for the night, so we only had a drink each.

The only unfortunate thing about our trip was the really bad quality of sleep we both got both nights. I only wish we could have been more comfortable in our hotel room. Especially since it was supposedly a 3 1/2 star hotel.

Sunday morning we got up and got coffee. We took our time getting in the shower and packing up-- the only goal was to be out of there by noon which was checkout time. It was nice having a lazy morning with my partner. We don't get to do that too much anymore. Before we got on the road, we hit up the Duluth Grille and it was awesome. Little bit of a wait time and the hostess was slightly unintelligent, but the food was sustainably sourced, a lot of it was organic, and perfectly portioned, so I couldn't complain.

The drive home was a bit long, but it was good to spend that time with Cav. We got home at 3ish and Cavan got to watch some football while I rested a bit. I went alone to grocery shop, as requested by Cavan due to his not feeling so great, and we were able to get into bed by 930. I was out by 10 and up for work by 545.

Time to start a new week! We'll see if it's even close to as nice as my weekend with my Cavan was.

Sometimes you just don't feel it the way you should.

My grandmother died today. Just about an hour ago. Just about three miles away from where I sit. It pains me to say that I don't feel anything. I almost started to cry about fifteen minutes ago thinking about my dad and the pain that he's probably going through right now.

I never really had a relationship with my grandma. She was a wonderful woman, and gave her heart and love to a lot of people. I grew up 1500 miles away and felt a little bit like a forgotten grandchild. I always felt that my sister got the bulk of the attention she gave to us Albuquerque kids, and I am probably still a little resentful about it. Her mind started going south more than five years ago. I kinda thought that it didn't make much of a difference to me because she wouldn't have remembered me even if she had still been as sharp as a tack. Obviously, that was a silly tongue in cheek way of looking at it, but I always felt like an outsider.

I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I kinda stopped doing that when I was 7 or 8. Maybe it was my imagination that I was slighted by her, but it has stuck with me no matter the reason.

When my dad called to let me know that his mother was dying, I don't even think I heard the grief in his voice. I think she had passed away for him the first time she didn't remember who he was. I can't say I blame him-- it take a lot of energy to process loss from 1500 miles away. I suppose it could have just been shock. Even though she hasn't really been around for years, it can be a lot to bear when told that the woman that gave you life is no longer living.

I tried for a second to put myself in his shoes and think about what I would feel if given the same news. I couldn't even go there-- just too painful.

My grandmother was one of the strongest women I've heard about. Her husband, my grandfather, killed himself when my father was just an infant, and she raised seven children all by herself. She buried one of them after he was killed in an accident. She stayed a loyal Christian throughout her life, and I suspect that her faith was what really gave her strength through the hardest times of her life.

I am proud to say that I come from such sturdy stock, even if the news of her death didn't make me cry.

Rest in Peace, Grandma Ifron. You deserve nothing but everything you wanted.

One day at a time

My whole life I've been a stresser. I stress about everything. I stress if there might not be enough toothpaste to finish off the week. I stress if I haven't talked to my mom in too long and she might think I'm avoiding her. I can't help it, and I try to work on it every day.

Since people started noticing my stress issues, they have been telling me to take it one day at a time. It really never made sense to me. I had to look big picture, small picture, and in-between picture, which resulted in, you-guessed-it, STRESS! As I get older, I'm starting to notice the heath effects. I have clenched and grinded my teeth each night since high school which has resulted in the moving of my teeth and jaw, tightening of my jaw muscles, and difficulty eating. My blood-pressure is far higher than it should be for a VERY healthy 22 year old woman. So that's my stress story in a nutshell. I try to manage it by working out, by relaxing, blah blah. Nothin works.

Now for the reason I'm writing this entry. I'm really trying my best to not let this job stress me out. I'm trying to finally take it one day at a time and trust that Cavan really means it when he says that he will help me no matter what I need (aka money). I'm beginning to trust my support system and realize that it's not the end of the world if everything doesn't go my way. As I grow up a little, I realize that sometimes the best things happen when everything is seemingly going wrong.

A year ago today, I resolutely left Portland to come to Minnesota and live with Cavan and "get a job." I did something heroic (for me)-- I quit my job (that I hated) without having another lined up, and I left. I went where I felt my heart leading me, and I didn't double and triple check that all of my safety nets were in place before I jumped. Granted, things were hard. Really hard. They're still far, far, far from easy. I'm struggling every day for money. After student loans, rent, groceries, and gas, I have almost zero spending or saving cash. Cavan really picks up the slack and treats us to dinner or a bottle of wine at least once a week, but only since he's gotten full time at the MLC can I really allow him to treat me without worrying about it. We're going to Duluth next weekend for a little mini-vacation and I almost feel like it's a new chapter starting, or the celebration of our hugely successful last chapter.

I have a lot of time here to think about things. To be honest, a lot of times I'm not the most productive worker. I've had so many great ideas, but I'm having a little bit of an issue really getting all of the emails out and researching all of the places that I need to contact and keeping track of what has been done, what I'm doing, and what still needs to be done. I do a lot of reflecting, so I'm never really bored. I have realized, though, since I've been here that I do oh-so-much better when I have specific tasks to focus on and complete. It's just the person I am and the person I've always been. It just so happens that here at this job, I'm really only responsible for completing ambiguous and tenuous things throughout the year and I don't have a ton of tasks that I can think about completing. I need to figure out the best way of setting small goals for myself and tackling them to feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore motivation throughout the day. 

I am going to try to get this part of my life in check. It's one of my goals for this year.

A Constant Struggle

This morning I feel the need to write to get into the right mode for the day. Katie is twenty minutes late, so I have a little time to collect myself before having to socialize and plan for the day.

Friday with my students was awesome. I was excited to meet them and even more excited that there were students that I didn't interview that were there to be in my class. Yesterday was a little bit of a different story. It wasn't bad, per se, but just more of a reality check, I think. They acted like 7, 8, and 9th graders. They giggled and talked and were dramatically not interested in me or anything I had to say. There is also a lingering failure that I don't have even close to 25 students. I think there will be 16 on a good day. 25 is a lot. I don't know, I just feel a little bit like it's a failure on my part, even though I did everything I could to make sure that I had a great list. It was also really hard to round up the students on the first day to interview them. A few of the girls that seemed really excited to be in cohort I either lost to cheerleading or to reading or math intervention classes.

I don't really have all that much responsibility in this job. To be honest, if nothing gets done, it won't be my head. I'll still get paid and I'll still get to put it on my resume. But I don't really want it to happen that way. I actually would really like to get a ton out of this job, and get the most experience doing the most amount of things that I thought I would.

I just really want to love this job. I want to adore it, I want it to be the most fun I've ever had. I want the tiny paychecks to not bother me, because I want to just kick this job's ass and really love my life because of it.

At least I don't have a lot of work to do in my personal life to be happy. Cavan and I are the happiest we've ever been, and I have to say that the fact that we don't spend much time together during the week makes the time that we have off together that much more special. I am so happy to have him as a partner, that I hope I can make it through anything as long as he's on my side.