Great weekend, long week ahead.

Gourds at the Farmer's Market in Two Harbors, MN.

 Cavan and I went to Duluth this weekend. Even though I was (and still am) feeling under the weather, it was an incredible weekend. The hotel was pretty crumby, but it was really nice to have that space to just relax and regroup. It was so great to have nothing to do except eat and rest and be with Cavan.

It's been a while since we spent that kind of quality time together. The last few weekends have been hectic and our Sundays have to include grocery shopping and chores because we have no time to do them any other day of the week. Very little time for relaxing.

The North Shore was beautiful. Friday night we spent getting dinner and relaxing in the hotel. Cavan and I watched quite a bit of TV during our off-times, but it was totally enjoyable. That cable just sucked me in for a while and we watched a ton of wedding and HGTV shows. Cavan humored me all weekend. He seemed to enjoy it, too, but I think he just really liked being alone with me in a completely relaxing atmosphere. When I asked him yesterday what his favorite part was, he said it was spending 48 uninterrupted hours with me. I have to say that was my favorite part, too.

Saturday we woke up and went to breakfast at The Sunshine Cafe in West Duluth. The cafe is run by a very welcoming Korean woman, who treated me like I was family. It was cash only, so Cavan had to get up before we ordered to go to an atm close by. The owner asked if I liked cats and brought me "The Cat Encyclopedia" to keep me company while Cavan was gone for money. ha. I thought it was really cute and the omelet I had was delicious, too.

After breakfast, we went back to the hotel to shower and rest a bit. I really wanted to take a bath while we were in a place that I could, and even though the bathtub was pretty leaky, I was able to take a bit of a bath. When we were ready to go, we walked down to the nearby Starbucks and got some coffee for our little drive up the coast of Superior. We took the scenic route and stopped a few times with no real time limit and no real destination. I took some pictures and really just enjoyed the drive with Cavan. We made it up to Gooseberry Falls and did a little bit of a walk through the trails. We were hardly the only people there, which made it a little less enjoyable, but it was a beautiful day for a walk and the colors were just beginning to be impressive. The drive back to Duluth only took about a half an hour to 45 minutes, so we relaxed and hung out for a bit once we got there.

Saturday night we went out to Superior, Wisconsin for dinner and some drinks. Ryley recommended The Thirsty Pagan Brewery Company for beer and pizza, and that sounded welcome to us. The pizza was yummy and the beer was great. After The Thirsty Pagan, we hit up the Anchor Bar (which Cavan had been talking about pretty much since we started dating). It was yummy and cheap, but we were ready to get comfortable for the night, so we only had a drink each.

The only unfortunate thing about our trip was the really bad quality of sleep we both got both nights. I only wish we could have been more comfortable in our hotel room. Especially since it was supposedly a 3 1/2 star hotel.

Sunday morning we got up and got coffee. We took our time getting in the shower and packing up-- the only goal was to be out of there by noon which was checkout time. It was nice having a lazy morning with my partner. We don't get to do that too much anymore. Before we got on the road, we hit up the Duluth Grille and it was awesome. Little bit of a wait time and the hostess was slightly unintelligent, but the food was sustainably sourced, a lot of it was organic, and perfectly portioned, so I couldn't complain.

The drive home was a bit long, but it was good to spend that time with Cav. We got home at 3ish and Cavan got to watch some football while I rested a bit. I went alone to grocery shop, as requested by Cavan due to his not feeling so great, and we were able to get into bed by 930. I was out by 10 and up for work by 545.

Time to start a new week! We'll see if it's even close to as nice as my weekend with my Cavan was.

Sometimes you just don't feel it the way you should.

My grandmother died today. Just about an hour ago. Just about three miles away from where I sit. It pains me to say that I don't feel anything. I almost started to cry about fifteen minutes ago thinking about my dad and the pain that he's probably going through right now.

I never really had a relationship with my grandma. She was a wonderful woman, and gave her heart and love to a lot of people. I grew up 1500 miles away and felt a little bit like a forgotten grandchild. I always felt that my sister got the bulk of the attention she gave to us Albuquerque kids, and I am probably still a little resentful about it. Her mind started going south more than five years ago. I kinda thought that it didn't make much of a difference to me because she wouldn't have remembered me even if she had still been as sharp as a tack. Obviously, that was a silly tongue in cheek way of looking at it, but I always felt like an outsider.

I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I kinda stopped doing that when I was 7 or 8. Maybe it was my imagination that I was slighted by her, but it has stuck with me no matter the reason.

When my dad called to let me know that his mother was dying, I don't even think I heard the grief in his voice. I think she had passed away for him the first time she didn't remember who he was. I can't say I blame him-- it take a lot of energy to process loss from 1500 miles away. I suppose it could have just been shock. Even though she hasn't really been around for years, it can be a lot to bear when told that the woman that gave you life is no longer living.

I tried for a second to put myself in his shoes and think about what I would feel if given the same news. I couldn't even go there-- just too painful.

My grandmother was one of the strongest women I've heard about. Her husband, my grandfather, killed himself when my father was just an infant, and she raised seven children all by herself. She buried one of them after he was killed in an accident. She stayed a loyal Christian throughout her life, and I suspect that her faith was what really gave her strength through the hardest times of her life.

I am proud to say that I come from such sturdy stock, even if the news of her death didn't make me cry.

Rest in Peace, Grandma Ifron. You deserve nothing but everything you wanted.

One day at a time

My whole life I've been a stresser. I stress about everything. I stress if there might not be enough toothpaste to finish off the week. I stress if I haven't talked to my mom in too long and she might think I'm avoiding her. I can't help it, and I try to work on it every day.

Since people started noticing my stress issues, they have been telling me to take it one day at a time. It really never made sense to me. I had to look big picture, small picture, and in-between picture, which resulted in, you-guessed-it, STRESS! As I get older, I'm starting to notice the heath effects. I have clenched and grinded my teeth each night since high school which has resulted in the moving of my teeth and jaw, tightening of my jaw muscles, and difficulty eating. My blood-pressure is far higher than it should be for a VERY healthy 22 year old woman. So that's my stress story in a nutshell. I try to manage it by working out, by relaxing, blah blah. Nothin works.

Now for the reason I'm writing this entry. I'm really trying my best to not let this job stress me out. I'm trying to finally take it one day at a time and trust that Cavan really means it when he says that he will help me no matter what I need (aka money). I'm beginning to trust my support system and realize that it's not the end of the world if everything doesn't go my way. As I grow up a little, I realize that sometimes the best things happen when everything is seemingly going wrong.

A year ago today, I resolutely left Portland to come to Minnesota and live with Cavan and "get a job." I did something heroic (for me)-- I quit my job (that I hated) without having another lined up, and I left. I went where I felt my heart leading me, and I didn't double and triple check that all of my safety nets were in place before I jumped. Granted, things were hard. Really hard. They're still far, far, far from easy. I'm struggling every day for money. After student loans, rent, groceries, and gas, I have almost zero spending or saving cash. Cavan really picks up the slack and treats us to dinner or a bottle of wine at least once a week, but only since he's gotten full time at the MLC can I really allow him to treat me without worrying about it. We're going to Duluth next weekend for a little mini-vacation and I almost feel like it's a new chapter starting, or the celebration of our hugely successful last chapter.

I have a lot of time here to think about things. To be honest, a lot of times I'm not the most productive worker. I've had so many great ideas, but I'm having a little bit of an issue really getting all of the emails out and researching all of the places that I need to contact and keeping track of what has been done, what I'm doing, and what still needs to be done. I do a lot of reflecting, so I'm never really bored. I have realized, though, since I've been here that I do oh-so-much better when I have specific tasks to focus on and complete. It's just the person I am and the person I've always been. It just so happens that here at this job, I'm really only responsible for completing ambiguous and tenuous things throughout the year and I don't have a ton of tasks that I can think about completing. I need to figure out the best way of setting small goals for myself and tackling them to feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore motivation throughout the day. 

I am going to try to get this part of my life in check. It's one of my goals for this year.

A Constant Struggle

This morning I feel the need to write to get into the right mode for the day. Katie is twenty minutes late, so I have a little time to collect myself before having to socialize and plan for the day.

Friday with my students was awesome. I was excited to meet them and even more excited that there were students that I didn't interview that were there to be in my class. Yesterday was a little bit of a different story. It wasn't bad, per se, but just more of a reality check, I think. They acted like 7, 8, and 9th graders. They giggled and talked and were dramatically not interested in me or anything I had to say. There is also a lingering failure that I don't have even close to 25 students. I think there will be 16 on a good day. 25 is a lot. I don't know, I just feel a little bit like it's a failure on my part, even though I did everything I could to make sure that I had a great list. It was also really hard to round up the students on the first day to interview them. A few of the girls that seemed really excited to be in cohort I either lost to cheerleading or to reading or math intervention classes.

I don't really have all that much responsibility in this job. To be honest, if nothing gets done, it won't be my head. I'll still get paid and I'll still get to put it on my resume. But I don't really want it to happen that way. I actually would really like to get a ton out of this job, and get the most experience doing the most amount of things that I thought I would.

I just really want to love this job. I want to adore it, I want it to be the most fun I've ever had. I want the tiny paychecks to not bother me, because I want to just kick this job's ass and really love my life because of it.

At least I don't have a lot of work to do in my personal life to be happy. Cavan and I are the happiest we've ever been, and I have to say that the fact that we don't spend much time together during the week makes the time that we have off together that much more special. I am so happy to have him as a partner, that I hope I can make it through anything as long as he's on my side.

I know, I know.

It's been a long time. I can't even count how many times I've said that. Blogs are neigh impossible for me to keep up, but then I get the urge to write and start again. I guess it doesn't matter, it's really just a convenient journal.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote here. Obviously. It's been eight months. Eight months is long enough to become a different person. Shit, it's almost long enough to grow a NEW person. So, yeah, lots of things. Lots of big things have happened. Here's a short list of the biggest things:

1. Cavan and I are both more gainfully employed than we had been in January. He is now full-time at the MLC as a coordinator and teacher. I am a full-time AmeriCorps Promise Fellow and part-time at Pottery Barn. It's only my second week, so I'm still feeling it out. Technically it's Cavan's first week at 40 hours (he's been doing 30 hours/week for the last month), so he still hasn't gotten the full taste of it all either.

2. Michelle is dead. I wince even reading the sentence, but it's all I want/need to say about that subject for now.

3. I've visited home twice since the last posting. Once in February for my parents' birthdays and once in June with Cavan for Al Talento's wedding.

4. Lauren has gone to Madagascar and come back. Our friendship is in better shape now than it was when she first got back, but it's still a little weird.

5. Most of my Mac friends are no longer in the cities. Lauren is pretty much the only one around, so it can get a little lonely sometimes. I've been relying on other friends like Hannah and Cavan's friends to go out with. I suppose it's been good. I find myself a lot closer to Cavan's friends since the Michelle incident.

6. I have my truck now and it's great for me to stretch my legs every once in a while. The amount that gas is costing me, though, can't continue. It's going to kick my ass sooner or later. Especially until I get my stupid loan deferment figured out.


I am lonely today. I don't know why-- I suppose it could have something to do with being locked up in an office by myself all day long with little to no meaningful contact with the outside world, or I guess it could just be my personality. Some days I get into a really dark place and don't know how to deal with myself. Unfortunately, on these days I feel so sorry for myself that I just don't get anything else done. I don't focus well, I try to reach out and then either get distracted or annoyed by myself and my own voice. The best thing for me to do is write it all out. Get some of the shitty, negative feelings out and stop pitying myself.

Maybe this entry will help me do that, maybe I'll just end up leaving early and taking a nap before Pottery Barn.

Peaceful morning

I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, just having finished a garlic bagel, enjoying my coffee and the Avett Brothers. I feel peaceful and quiet. I feel like everything is okay in this moment.

I've been feeling really sick again, and I'm pretty sure it's my B vitamin deficiency coming back to bite me in the ass. Course of action at this point is to just start taking the vitamins again and wait out the sickness a little bit. I've done it before, there's no reason I can't do it again. I just don't really understand it, because the foods I most often eat (eggs, poultry, leafy greens, and whole grains) are the most B vitamin rich foods. It's just one of those wonderful side effects of birth control. "The hormones go toe to toe with your B vitamins, and the hormones always win." Or so the fine, fine doctor at Mac told me last year. She was the only one that was able to even GUESS what was wrong with me. And, after about a month or so of taking the vitamins everyday, I felt like myself again. Seeing as how one of the side effects of B vitamin deficiency is death, and I could feel myself getting slowly worse all the time, I'm happy one medical professional knew what the hell they were doing.

Cavan isn't sure how to handle it, because there's really nothing that can be done aside from the vitamins, so I think it's a little stressful for him.

Aside from the little bit of sickness going on, I'm happy. I'm doing okay.

So lazy

I haven't posted in what seems like forever (I didn't check the date before beginning this post today, so it very well could have been two months.

I could say that it's because I was so bust with work for the last few weeks. I could also say that I forget sometimes that I write in a blog. Another thing I could say is that I like to write in my handwritten journal sometimes for reasons of facility and privacy.

But I think the real reason is that I'm too lazy a lot of the time. I don't think I'm the type of person that gets a hell of a lot done on days off. Most times, I'm too tired to do too much. Other times, if Cavan is home too, I prefer to get our errands done and spend time with him over privately writing in my online blog. But I do think having my blog is important. It's somewhere that I can spout off about one thing or another, and not feel like I'm going to have to pay for it down the road.

Well, I'm in the process of spending my first full winter in Minnesota. Not a huge fan. Just have to throw that out there. I miss my family, my dog, and my home. BUT. I guess it's worth it. Cavan is worth it. He's really the only thing I have anchoring me here, but it's a good enough anchor that I have no urge to try and convince him to go away with me.

I don't mind my job, I just wish I got paid a lot more. I'm still looking for other jobs and applying here and there. Apparently, there are pretty much 1 in 10 odds that I'll get anything, but it was one of my New Year's resolutions. To get a better job. Something I can be proud of and somewhere that I'll feel like I'm moving in the right direction. My other resolution was to stop stressing out so much. Psh. Like that's going to happen.

Well, blog, Happy 2010. And I say it Two-thousand ten, not twenty ten.

I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm loved, and I have a roof over my head. Things could be worse.