Sunday, November 22, 2009

Home sweet home.

I'm sitting here. In my new home. It's been a week since we moved in, and it is already starting to feel like we belong here. Like we belong here together. We got our futon on Friday (mom and dad bought it), so now I feel comfortable just sitting here watching the football game in my living room.

I wish Cavan were here, though. It feels like we've both been so busy lately. I guess it's partly because I've been working so much and when we're both off there are things to take care of. Friday we both had the day off, but Cavan had a meeting from 9-11, then we went to the mall and ikea, then home to build the futon (where we both got pretty well on the other's nerves), had pizza, relaxed a little, and went grocery shopping late. THEN somehow our butter and our peanut butter m&ms got left there, so I had to take an extra twenty or so minutes of our relaxing time to go back and get them. Oh well, I think it'll get better, but it just doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day for us to enjoy living together and being together.

I'm excited that we have Wednesday from about 6pm to Saturday at about 5pm off together. We'll probably relax Wednesday night, wake up Thursday morning really slowly and make breakfast burritos together, then in the afternoon/evening we'll make our Thanksgiving dinner. We're off together on Thursday. Cavan has a shift at the Matchbox from 2-7pm. I might go into work if someone asks me to cover for those particular hours, but other than that I'm planning on going with him and possibly working on job applications or something. It should be a pretty good weekend.

So far, it's been a little difficult. I'm feeling a little funny about how tired and busy we've been and how stressed out we've been about money. I think it's taken away a bit from the passion in our relationship. But it's only temporary. It's not toxic or dangerous at all at this point, just a little difficult to get used to. I was having kind of a hard day yesterday thinking about it, but I just decided to bring home some flowers for Cavan and leave him a sweet note. So when I got home from work, it was just us, just cuddling together in bed. Talking about our days, about how much we love each other and why. It just felt good. It felt right, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

We feel right. I love him to death and know that no other man would be able to give me the quality of love that he does.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Rough beginning to a seamless day?

Okay, so that last post was actually written on Monday of this week. I just never finished it and published it.

Last night I had a really terrible nightmare. It involved all of the people I love most in life being hurt or killed because of something I did. And no matter how many times I woke up, no matter what I did (i.e. got up, got water, went to the bathroom, text Cavan), it didn't go away. That feeling of guilt, of betrayal, never went away. And now that I'm hours away from it, it's not real anymore, but it's left me in a funk that I can't describe.

I will be leaving for work in 20 minutes. It could be a 5 hour shift or it could be an 8 hour shift. I really hate that. Not being able to just set your day and know when you'll be able to relax and take your shoes off. But, however long my shift is, I do know that Cavan will be there at the end of it to pick me up. And that alone makes things better. If I do work my on call tonight, I will have 39.5 hours for the week. I'm really hoping that that deters them from keeping me. But you know what? I could really use the money. And I hate having to feel like that. Having to feel like I have to do something I don't want to do just because I need the cash.

I sincerely believe that one day I will be comfortable enough to live the way I want to live. To live without being in debt. That's really all I want. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to have loads of money to manage, but I do want to eventually be able to focus on something other than money. That is a goal that both Cavan and I share. So if I'm lucky enough to have him as a partner for any length of time, I believe that we'll be able to work towards it together.

I'm praying that this is only a rough beginning to a seamless day. I'm hoping that once I get into the thick of things at work, I'll be able to focus and get through it quickly. I'm sure that's how it'll be. Positive. Okay, ready? GO.

Lento, pero seguro.

I feel as though I haven't written in forever, but it hasn't even been a week.

Lento, pero seguro.

I spent 9.5 hours at Pottery Barn today. From 6am to 330pm. Seriously. My body kills. On top of that I walked there and back which is just about 4 miles. I don't hate the job, but it's not what I want to be doing. It's going to do for now, especially because it means I can be with Cavan, but I can't wait to find something that I actually want to do.