Wednesday, February 9, 2011

February Blues

So, I thought I got over my winter sadness thing, but I guess not. Saturday it kind of hit me hard. I was just strolling along, feeling good about things, and them BAM! Friday night it started when only Rachel and Kati showed up to our happy hour. It was fine, we had fun, but I spent a lot of money on myself and it made me uncomfortable. Saturday was spent mostly down in the dumps too, and now I have this vague feeling of dissatisfaction swallowing me. In my job, in my life, in my body. It's mostly hitting me today, and I really hope that it doesn't follow me around for too long.

One of the things that is bothering my most right now is my weight. I've struggled with it for almost 5 years now, and I was so happy for the short time I wasn't worried about it. Cavan is also heavier than he wants to be. I made a really inspired push for healthy foods for the last month or so, and I thought I had been feeling better about myself. Saturday Cavan and I made a stop at American Eagle in the mall and I tried on a couple of pairs of jeans. Even though the jeans I wore into the store were and AE size 4, I could barely get my legs into a new size four. How depressing. Yesterday at the doctor's office, I weighed in at 6 pounds heavier than I was exactly a year ago. And I wasn't happy about it last year either. Part of it was that I am used to weighing with very little clothing, and yesterday was VERY cold, so I had on more clothing than usual. But I'm sure the same thing was the case last year. This morning, when putting on my size 4 Old Navy black slacks (over leggings), I struggled to get them buttoned. What a frustrating situation.

I was feeling okay about the amount of time I dedicate to the gym, but then Lisa asked if I could work on Tuesdays, too. I need the money, so of course I said yes. It's so frustrating, though, because I feel like I have approximately ZERO time to actually take care of myself.

I need to find a way to feel better. I hate the way I feel right now.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Being thankful

Thanksgiving is the time when everyone thinks about what they are thankful for. I'd like to believe that I think about it all the time, but it does really kick into overdrive this time of year. I've been really bitchy and annoying to Cavan lately and was in the process of figuring out some shit that was going on about our relationship in my head.

I think I actually had a hard time focusing this Thanksgiving on what I am thankful for. My head was so full of stress and worry about all of the change that is happening and everything else on my plate that I didn't stop to think about how blessed I am to be able to move to a better spot and have some time off for the holiday. Or hoe thankful I am to have a partner that puts me above everything else in his life. A kitty that I love and that greets me each morning and evening with purrs. A family that loves me at home and always is happy to talk to me and hear from me no matter what they're in the middle of. Another family in the Gahagans. People that I can feel comfortable with and people that will always have my back. It seems like I'm a lot more comfortable about my financial situation this year and am able to get people gifts that actually demonstrate how much I love and care about them.

I'm tired. I'm not feeling well. I'm kind of sick of this job.

But I'm thankful to have it and all of the other things I have in my life.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Even though I go through phases of being really sad all of the time, I do have many moments where I realize how lucky, blessed, and all-around happy I am.

Cavan is officially my longest relationship. He and I have lived together for a year already and today is our nineteen month anniversary. I think this is about how long Keith and I had lasted in high school. It was right around 19 months. Even though that was my starter relationship, I guess I still had counted it as my longest. Mike doesn't really count either, even though he was only seventeen months. I have been so happy with Cavan for these 19 months, and I just kind of realized last night that it's only getting better and better. I feel comfortable, loved, appreciated, missed when I'm not around, supported, and secure. I couldn't ask any more from a relationship.

I like my job a lot. Even though it's difficult, sometimes I have a hard time finding shit to do, and I get paid next to nothing, it's very comforting to know what I want to do with my life and to have long-term goals. I hate busting my butt and being under-appreciated, but there are a lot of times that I sit here and do pretty much nothing, too. One thing is, I am pretty certain that this isn't what I want to do for another year. Though the $5,000 for loans at the end of the year is going to feel really good, I don't know if I can live on $1100 a month working 50-55 hours a week for another year. I would really like to be making as much as Cavan and feel like I'm really contributing to a household. I'd also like to really be able to save meaningful amounts of money.

I feel like I'm in the process of growing up, but there's still a long road before I feel like an actual grown-up. It's mostly money related (isn't everything). I guess I'm just going to have to be patient and wait for the time to look for the right job for me. For now, I will just try to conduct myself in an appropriate manner for and adult and hope that everything comes in as it should.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A letter to Michelle

Dear Michelle,

It's been four months and it lingers. It all lingers for all of us. To be honest, I'm getting a little sick of it and starting to get a bit mad. If I think about you almost every day, I can't imagine what Ryley goes through. There are moments that melancholy and bitterness wash over me and I can't shake them. Of course, this happens sometimes without though of you, but it's often thoughts of you that bring these feelings over me.

I miss you. I have missed you since you left. I know that we weren't close, that there are many people that were closer to you than I was, but I have to say that you leaving us took a toll on me. I cried unexpectedly for weeks. It wasn't until the end of August that I could tell friends what happened without crying uncontrollably. It made me very tired, and I didn't have anyone to talk to but Cavan. He was so tired. More tired than me. And I couldn't talk to him and give him that burden.

I owed it to myself to write you this letter. After four months, Cavan doesn't really want to have a conversation about it. We learned a lot about grieving with each other through this and I think I learned how we are different in this respect. He doesn't want to talk, and I do. It doesn't matter what comes of the conversation, I just need to have it. I need to think about you and talk about you and build my life, my imagined future life without you and with Ryley without you.

I'm not even going to say that I don't understand why you did it. That goes without saying. You didn't understand either. Maybe you didn't know, but you gave everyone thousands of questions when you thought you found the answer. People loved you. More than Ryley, more than your sisters and your family, people loved you. You probably never even thought that I would be one of the people that your action would affect for months and years.

I miss you, Michelle. As much as I try not to miss you, as much as I try not to think of you, I do. I think of you when I drive through a particular part of town, when I go to a restaurant or bar, when my friends go to a place that you worked, when I hear certain music. It's sickening how much I wanted to get to know you and how much I wanted to love you like a sister. You obviously had your own family and not even those people were important enough to you to stop you from doing this. I wish I had been. I wish you gave me the opportunity to love you like I could have.

Please let me let you go now. I want to be able to move into your old house, I want  to be able to get through this next month with Ryley and Cavan and not have my new life dripping with you. Please. Please go away now. You made the decision you did, and now it's over. Let me go somewhere else with my mind.

I love you.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sick again

Oh joy, the start of a week, the start of a new month and a lovely sickness to get in my way of being productive. I tried to get a ton of rest yesterday, even going so far as to being in bed and asleep by 915, but this morning I'm starting to get aches and I'm really exhausted.

Last night I had a dream about Michelle and it was mentally exhausting. It was sad and it made me sad. In some ways, I'm not looking forward to living in the home in which she killed herself, but Cavan and I (and Ryley too) are starting to get pretty excited about the move. It's going to be exhausting, but it's coming up fast and we're ready to go, I think. Obviously we still have a lot to do to prepare our current apartment ever just for viewing, and we pretty much have zero time for it, but we're less stressed about it than we are excited.

In other news, I'm rebelling against a form of authority again. What's new, right? Well, I just can't stand managers that a.) micromanage (BETH) or b.) try to micromanage during our monthly meetings but rarely actually talk to me or give me guidance any other time of the month (DESIREE).

I don't know what Desiree thinks her job is as the Promise Fellow supervisor, but I'm pretty sure it's more than half an hour the first Monday of each month. Sometimes she talks to me when I see her in the hall, but not even usually that. Seriously? And then you're going to get on my ass because I did work from home one day? I'm sorry, but you wouldn't have even known if I was here that day. So what the fuck difference does it make? None, actually. If I can log hours for reading a book, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to drive into work to do so. Nobody else was at work that day because of MEAs and there's no reason we should be punished and have to come into work. I'm sorry, but I'm an AmeriCorps member and get paid little to nothing to do this job. If that means I don't want to waste an hours' worth of gas in a day I don't HAVE to be here, I'm not going to. They need to understand that.

I'm just tired and frustrated. I can't stand that Desiree is going to get on my case for working from home that one day. To be honest, I get a hell of a lot more done that day than I would have if I came into the office to work. She is a terrible supervisor and that's that.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Long weekend left me feeling refreshed.

Last week was MEAs for teachers, so Kati and I gave ourselves a long weekend.

Thursday I worked from home for half the day and spent the rest of the day with Connie and Judi. I was able to take a nap and go out for Indian food with Cavan that evening. Friday was spent running around with Cavan during the day and eating pizza and watching movies all night. It was great and relaxing. Such a great way to spend a hard-earned day off. I got a new blackberry, which was AWESOME, so I spent a lot of the weekend trying to figure it all out.

Of course Saturday I had to work at Pottery Barn and Cavan worked at Ryley's. For dinner we met his family at the Liffey. For some reason it wasn't as nice as it usually is, but the food was good and it was good to see everyone again before Connie and Mike left. Ryley bought dinner and seems to be so excited about all of the work that's getting done on his place. I'm excited for him, and for us too. It's official that we'll be moving in downstairs on December 1. We called Mary this weekend and she was definitely okay with us just letting her know. It felt good to get that taken care of, but Cavan is now a little stressed that Ryley's either won't be done in time or that it'll be a huge chore moving Ryley upstairs. I know it will be, because it is going to take going through all of Michelle's things, but hopefully he will be do excited that he'll have a little bit of motivation to just get through it.

Cavan is really excited to be moving into a bigger and nicer place. I am too, but change is always difficult for me. I am excited to be closer to work and to live in NE. Closer to everything, really. Cavan has really been looking at beds, rugs, and everything to fill in the space and I just think it's so damn cute. It's great that he's even more excited about that stuff than I am. I usually would go crazy for that sort of thing, but I'm just concerned about money now. I started a savings account last week and am working on a savings plan. Because I make such little money, it's really hard to focus on saving and moving and decorating and everything in between. Especially with Christmas coming up. I want to be able to save at LEAST $3,000 for a rainy day fund that I won't touch unless I absolutely have to. But then I find myself wanting boots and clothes and other stupid things that I've been going without for so long.

I know that Cavan expects to be taking on most of the cost of moving and decorating and everything, which is admirable, but I'm just not interested in him paying for everything.We just bought a PB sofa yesterday and should have it by the time we move into Ryley's. I am so excited for it, but it's also nerve-wracking. It's the first big purchase that we've made together and it's a definite splurge. But it'll be so nice to have a nice living room to come back to everyday. Something so warm and inviting will not go to waste, so I feel okay about it. Cavan loves it almost as much as I do, and it's going to fit perfectly in the living room. The next big thing we're going to get is a bed frame and then probably a couple of rugs. It's scary and a lot of spending, but it's also really exciting.

Alisha and Jake got engaged last week. It's so awesome and I couldn't be happier for them. I think for a while I was hoping that Cavan would propose sooner rather than later, but for now I think I'm really happy with our relationship and how it's developing. We're taking really great steps together, and I feel really good about the way I'm developing independently from the relationship. I've been making plans for after AmeriCorps, including a grad school program, developing my financial security, and planning for the longer-term future. I want to set myself up for success so that when I'm actually making better money, it'll be really easy to up my savings and feel really good about my plans. I want Cavan to start thinking about that stuff, too, and I think that he's interested. He started a savings account, too, and I think he really has the hopes of doing the same things. Building his credit, saving for the future, etc.

Last week was simultaneously scary, exciting, depressing, and happy. But for the most part I am happy about where I am and how things are going. It seems to be a really slow process for me, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I'm scared, but it all seems like it's working.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Hard week, easy week

Last week was really difficult for a few different reasons. Michelle's birthday was yesterday, and Saturday was three months since she killed herself. The whole week I was pretty emotional and Cavan was so busy that he only started taking it hard on Saturday night. He's so afraid that he's going to get a call that Ryley has done the same thing.

Friday night I had one of my fainting spells after working and babysitting all day. I fell, hurt both of my ankles pretty bad, and apparently injured my right wrist. It is now really irritated, and I'm afraid I broke it again where I had before. The only problem is that my insurance is so bad that I can't afford to go to the doctor to get it checked out. I think I'm going to wait a week or so and if it's still bad, I will just need to bite the bullet and see someone about it.

I hate feeling so helpless that I can't go to the doctor to fix what is hurting me. I don't understand why our culture is the way it is. I'm sitting here in my service position with the United States government and I cannot bear to go to the doctor to get my painful injury checked out because I make $5 an hour and my insurance is cut-rate.

I'm depressed, sore, and not willing to write much more.