Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Being thankful

Thanksgiving is the time when everyone thinks about what they are thankful for. I'd like to believe that I think about it all the time, but it does really kick into overdrive this time of year. I've been really bitchy and annoying to Cavan lately and was in the process of figuring out some shit that was going on about our relationship in my head.

I think I actually had a hard time focusing this Thanksgiving on what I am thankful for. My head was so full of stress and worry about all of the change that is happening and everything else on my plate that I didn't stop to think about how blessed I am to be able to move to a better spot and have some time off for the holiday. Or hoe thankful I am to have a partner that puts me above everything else in his life. A kitty that I love and that greets me each morning and evening with purrs. A family that loves me at home and always is happy to talk to me and hear from me no matter what they're in the middle of. Another family in the Gahagans. People that I can feel comfortable with and people that will always have my back. It seems like I'm a lot more comfortable about my financial situation this year and am able to get people gifts that actually demonstrate how much I love and care about them.

I'm tired. I'm not feeling well. I'm kind of sick of this job.

But I'm thankful to have it and all of the other things I have in my life.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Even though I go through phases of being really sad all of the time, I do have many moments where I realize how lucky, blessed, and all-around happy I am.

Cavan is officially my longest relationship. He and I have lived together for a year already and today is our nineteen month anniversary. I think this is about how long Keith and I had lasted in high school. It was right around 19 months. Even though that was my starter relationship, I guess I still had counted it as my longest. Mike doesn't really count either, even though he was only seventeen months. I have been so happy with Cavan for these 19 months, and I just kind of realized last night that it's only getting better and better. I feel comfortable, loved, appreciated, missed when I'm not around, supported, and secure. I couldn't ask any more from a relationship.

I like my job a lot. Even though it's difficult, sometimes I have a hard time finding shit to do, and I get paid next to nothing, it's very comforting to know what I want to do with my life and to have long-term goals. I hate busting my butt and being under-appreciated, but there are a lot of times that I sit here and do pretty much nothing, too. One thing is, I am pretty certain that this isn't what I want to do for another year. Though the $5,000 for loans at the end of the year is going to feel really good, I don't know if I can live on $1100 a month working 50-55 hours a week for another year. I would really like to be making as much as Cavan and feel like I'm really contributing to a household. I'd also like to really be able to save meaningful amounts of money.

I feel like I'm in the process of growing up, but there's still a long road before I feel like an actual grown-up. It's mostly money related (isn't everything). I guess I'm just going to have to be patient and wait for the time to look for the right job for me. For now, I will just try to conduct myself in an appropriate manner for and adult and hope that everything comes in as it should.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A letter to Michelle

Dear Michelle,

It's been four months and it lingers. It all lingers for all of us. To be honest, I'm getting a little sick of it and starting to get a bit mad. If I think about you almost every day, I can't imagine what Ryley goes through. There are moments that melancholy and bitterness wash over me and I can't shake them. Of course, this happens sometimes without though of you, but it's often thoughts of you that bring these feelings over me.

I miss you. I have missed you since you left. I know that we weren't close, that there are many people that were closer to you than I was, but I have to say that you leaving us took a toll on me. I cried unexpectedly for weeks. It wasn't until the end of August that I could tell friends what happened without crying uncontrollably. It made me very tired, and I didn't have anyone to talk to but Cavan. He was so tired. More tired than me. And I couldn't talk to him and give him that burden.

I owed it to myself to write you this letter. After four months, Cavan doesn't really want to have a conversation about it. We learned a lot about grieving with each other through this and I think I learned how we are different in this respect. He doesn't want to talk, and I do. It doesn't matter what comes of the conversation, I just need to have it. I need to think about you and talk about you and build my life, my imagined future life without you and with Ryley without you.

I'm not even going to say that I don't understand why you did it. That goes without saying. You didn't understand either. Maybe you didn't know, but you gave everyone thousands of questions when you thought you found the answer. People loved you. More than Ryley, more than your sisters and your family, people loved you. You probably never even thought that I would be one of the people that your action would affect for months and years.

I miss you, Michelle. As much as I try not to miss you, as much as I try not to think of you, I do. I think of you when I drive through a particular part of town, when I go to a restaurant or bar, when my friends go to a place that you worked, when I hear certain music. It's sickening how much I wanted to get to know you and how much I wanted to love you like a sister. You obviously had your own family and not even those people were important enough to you to stop you from doing this. I wish I had been. I wish you gave me the opportunity to love you like I could have.

Please let me let you go now. I want to be able to move into your old house, I want  to be able to get through this next month with Ryley and Cavan and not have my new life dripping with you. Please. Please go away now. You made the decision you did, and now it's over. Let me go somewhere else with my mind.

I love you.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sick again

Oh joy, the start of a week, the start of a new month and a lovely sickness to get in my way of being productive. I tried to get a ton of rest yesterday, even going so far as to being in bed and asleep by 915, but this morning I'm starting to get aches and I'm really exhausted.

Last night I had a dream about Michelle and it was mentally exhausting. It was sad and it made me sad. In some ways, I'm not looking forward to living in the home in which she killed herself, but Cavan and I (and Ryley too) are starting to get pretty excited about the move. It's going to be exhausting, but it's coming up fast and we're ready to go, I think. Obviously we still have a lot to do to prepare our current apartment ever just for viewing, and we pretty much have zero time for it, but we're less stressed about it than we are excited.

In other news, I'm rebelling against a form of authority again. What's new, right? Well, I just can't stand managers that a.) micromanage (BETH) or b.) try to micromanage during our monthly meetings but rarely actually talk to me or give me guidance any other time of the month (DESIREE).

I don't know what Desiree thinks her job is as the Promise Fellow supervisor, but I'm pretty sure it's more than half an hour the first Monday of each month. Sometimes she talks to me when I see her in the hall, but not even usually that. Seriously? And then you're going to get on my ass because I did work from home one day? I'm sorry, but you wouldn't have even known if I was here that day. So what the fuck difference does it make? None, actually. If I can log hours for reading a book, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to drive into work to do so. Nobody else was at work that day because of MEAs and there's no reason we should be punished and have to come into work. I'm sorry, but I'm an AmeriCorps member and get paid little to nothing to do this job. If that means I don't want to waste an hours' worth of gas in a day I don't HAVE to be here, I'm not going to. They need to understand that.

I'm just tired and frustrated. I can't stand that Desiree is going to get on my case for working from home that one day. To be honest, I get a hell of a lot more done that day than I would have if I came into the office to work. She is a terrible supervisor and that's that.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Long weekend left me feeling refreshed.

Last week was MEAs for teachers, so Kati and I gave ourselves a long weekend.

Thursday I worked from home for half the day and spent the rest of the day with Connie and Judi. I was able to take a nap and go out for Indian food with Cavan that evening. Friday was spent running around with Cavan during the day and eating pizza and watching movies all night. It was great and relaxing. Such a great way to spend a hard-earned day off. I got a new blackberry, which was AWESOME, so I spent a lot of the weekend trying to figure it all out.

Of course Saturday I had to work at Pottery Barn and Cavan worked at Ryley's. For dinner we met his family at the Liffey. For some reason it wasn't as nice as it usually is, but the food was good and it was good to see everyone again before Connie and Mike left. Ryley bought dinner and seems to be so excited about all of the work that's getting done on his place. I'm excited for him, and for us too. It's official that we'll be moving in downstairs on December 1. We called Mary this weekend and she was definitely okay with us just letting her know. It felt good to get that taken care of, but Cavan is now a little stressed that Ryley's either won't be done in time or that it'll be a huge chore moving Ryley upstairs. I know it will be, because it is going to take going through all of Michelle's things, but hopefully he will be do excited that he'll have a little bit of motivation to just get through it.

Cavan is really excited to be moving into a bigger and nicer place. I am too, but change is always difficult for me. I am excited to be closer to work and to live in NE. Closer to everything, really. Cavan has really been looking at beds, rugs, and everything to fill in the space and I just think it's so damn cute. It's great that he's even more excited about that stuff than I am. I usually would go crazy for that sort of thing, but I'm just concerned about money now. I started a savings account last week and am working on a savings plan. Because I make such little money, it's really hard to focus on saving and moving and decorating and everything in between. Especially with Christmas coming up. I want to be able to save at LEAST $3,000 for a rainy day fund that I won't touch unless I absolutely have to. But then I find myself wanting boots and clothes and other stupid things that I've been going without for so long.

I know that Cavan expects to be taking on most of the cost of moving and decorating and everything, which is admirable, but I'm just not interested in him paying for everything.We just bought a PB sofa yesterday and should have it by the time we move into Ryley's. I am so excited for it, but it's also nerve-wracking. It's the first big purchase that we've made together and it's a definite splurge. But it'll be so nice to have a nice living room to come back to everyday. Something so warm and inviting will not go to waste, so I feel okay about it. Cavan loves it almost as much as I do, and it's going to fit perfectly in the living room. The next big thing we're going to get is a bed frame and then probably a couple of rugs. It's scary and a lot of spending, but it's also really exciting.

Alisha and Jake got engaged last week. It's so awesome and I couldn't be happier for them. I think for a while I was hoping that Cavan would propose sooner rather than later, but for now I think I'm really happy with our relationship and how it's developing. We're taking really great steps together, and I feel really good about the way I'm developing independently from the relationship. I've been making plans for after AmeriCorps, including a grad school program, developing my financial security, and planning for the longer-term future. I want to set myself up for success so that when I'm actually making better money, it'll be really easy to up my savings and feel really good about my plans. I want Cavan to start thinking about that stuff, too, and I think that he's interested. He started a savings account, too, and I think he really has the hopes of doing the same things. Building his credit, saving for the future, etc.

Last week was simultaneously scary, exciting, depressing, and happy. But for the most part I am happy about where I am and how things are going. It seems to be a really slow process for me, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I'm scared, but it all seems like it's working.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Hard week, easy week

Last week was really difficult for a few different reasons. Michelle's birthday was yesterday, and Saturday was three months since she killed herself. The whole week I was pretty emotional and Cavan was so busy that he only started taking it hard on Saturday night. He's so afraid that he's going to get a call that Ryley has done the same thing.

Friday night I had one of my fainting spells after working and babysitting all day. I fell, hurt both of my ankles pretty bad, and apparently injured my right wrist. It is now really irritated, and I'm afraid I broke it again where I had before. The only problem is that my insurance is so bad that I can't afford to go to the doctor to get it checked out. I think I'm going to wait a week or so and if it's still bad, I will just need to bite the bullet and see someone about it.

I hate feeling so helpless that I can't go to the doctor to fix what is hurting me. I don't understand why our culture is the way it is. I'm sitting here in my service position with the United States government and I cannot bear to go to the doctor to get my painful injury checked out because I make $5 an hour and my insurance is cut-rate.

I'm depressed, sore, and not willing to write much more.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Great weekend, long week ahead.

Gourds at the Farmer's Market in Two Harbors, MN.

 Cavan and I went to Duluth this weekend. Even though I was (and still am) feeling under the weather, it was an incredible weekend. The hotel was pretty crumby, but it was really nice to have that space to just relax and regroup. It was so great to have nothing to do except eat and rest and be with Cavan.

It's been a while since we spent that kind of quality time together. The last few weekends have been hectic and our Sundays have to include grocery shopping and chores because we have no time to do them any other day of the week. Very little time for relaxing.

The North Shore was beautiful. Friday night we spent getting dinner and relaxing in the hotel. Cavan and I watched quite a bit of TV during our off-times, but it was totally enjoyable. That cable just sucked me in for a while and we watched a ton of wedding and HGTV shows. Cavan humored me all weekend. He seemed to enjoy it, too, but I think he just really liked being alone with me in a completely relaxing atmosphere. When I asked him yesterday what his favorite part was, he said it was spending 48 uninterrupted hours with me. I have to say that was my favorite part, too.

Saturday we woke up and went to breakfast at The Sunshine Cafe in West Duluth. The cafe is run by a very welcoming Korean woman, who treated me like I was family. It was cash only, so Cavan had to get up before we ordered to go to an atm close by. The owner asked if I liked cats and brought me "The Cat Encyclopedia" to keep me company while Cavan was gone for money. ha. I thought it was really cute and the omelet I had was delicious, too.

After breakfast, we went back to the hotel to shower and rest a bit. I really wanted to take a bath while we were in a place that I could, and even though the bathtub was pretty leaky, I was able to take a bit of a bath. When we were ready to go, we walked down to the nearby Starbucks and got some coffee for our little drive up the coast of Superior. We took the scenic route and stopped a few times with no real time limit and no real destination. I took some pictures and really just enjoyed the drive with Cavan. We made it up to Gooseberry Falls and did a little bit of a walk through the trails. We were hardly the only people there, which made it a little less enjoyable, but it was a beautiful day for a walk and the colors were just beginning to be impressive. The drive back to Duluth only took about a half an hour to 45 minutes, so we relaxed and hung out for a bit once we got there.

Saturday night we went out to Superior, Wisconsin for dinner and some drinks. Ryley recommended The Thirsty Pagan Brewery Company for beer and pizza, and that sounded welcome to us. The pizza was yummy and the beer was great. After The Thirsty Pagan, we hit up the Anchor Bar (which Cavan had been talking about pretty much since we started dating). It was yummy and cheap, but we were ready to get comfortable for the night, so we only had a drink each.

The only unfortunate thing about our trip was the really bad quality of sleep we both got both nights. I only wish we could have been more comfortable in our hotel room. Especially since it was supposedly a 3 1/2 star hotel.

Sunday morning we got up and got coffee. We took our time getting in the shower and packing up-- the only goal was to be out of there by noon which was checkout time. It was nice having a lazy morning with my partner. We don't get to do that too much anymore. Before we got on the road, we hit up the Duluth Grille and it was awesome. Little bit of a wait time and the hostess was slightly unintelligent, but the food was sustainably sourced, a lot of it was organic, and perfectly portioned, so I couldn't complain.

The drive home was a bit long, but it was good to spend that time with Cav. We got home at 3ish and Cavan got to watch some football while I rested a bit. I went alone to grocery shop, as requested by Cavan due to his not feeling so great, and we were able to get into bed by 930. I was out by 10 and up for work by 545.

Time to start a new week! We'll see if it's even close to as nice as my weekend with my Cavan was.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sometimes you just don't feel it the way you should.

My grandmother died today. Just about an hour ago. Just about three miles away from where I sit. It pains me to say that I don't feel anything. I almost started to cry about fifteen minutes ago thinking about my dad and the pain that he's probably going through right now.

I never really had a relationship with my grandma. She was a wonderful woman, and gave her heart and love to a lot of people. I grew up 1500 miles away and felt a little bit like a forgotten grandchild. I always felt that my sister got the bulk of the attention she gave to us Albuquerque kids, and I am probably still a little resentful about it. Her mind started going south more than five years ago. I kinda thought that it didn't make much of a difference to me because she wouldn't have remembered me even if she had still been as sharp as a tack. Obviously, that was a silly tongue in cheek way of looking at it, but I always felt like an outsider.

I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I kinda stopped doing that when I was 7 or 8. Maybe it was my imagination that I was slighted by her, but it has stuck with me no matter the reason.

When my dad called to let me know that his mother was dying, I don't even think I heard the grief in his voice. I think she had passed away for him the first time she didn't remember who he was. I can't say I blame him-- it take a lot of energy to process loss from 1500 miles away. I suppose it could have just been shock. Even though she hasn't really been around for years, it can be a lot to bear when told that the woman that gave you life is no longer living.

I tried for a second to put myself in his shoes and think about what I would feel if given the same news. I couldn't even go there-- just too painful.

My grandmother was one of the strongest women I've heard about. Her husband, my grandfather, killed himself when my father was just an infant, and she raised seven children all by herself. She buried one of them after he was killed in an accident. She stayed a loyal Christian throughout her life, and I suspect that her faith was what really gave her strength through the hardest times of her life.

I am proud to say that I come from such sturdy stock, even if the news of her death didn't make me cry.

Rest in Peace, Grandma Ifron. You deserve nothing but everything you wanted.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

One day at a time

My whole life I've been a stresser. I stress about everything. I stress if there might not be enough toothpaste to finish off the week. I stress if I haven't talked to my mom in too long and she might think I'm avoiding her. I can't help it, and I try to work on it every day.

Since people started noticing my stress issues, they have been telling me to take it one day at a time. It really never made sense to me. I had to look big picture, small picture, and in-between picture, which resulted in, you-guessed-it, STRESS! As I get older, I'm starting to notice the heath effects. I have clenched and grinded my teeth each night since high school which has resulted in the moving of my teeth and jaw, tightening of my jaw muscles, and difficulty eating. My blood-pressure is far higher than it should be for a VERY healthy 22 year old woman. So that's my stress story in a nutshell. I try to manage it by working out, by relaxing, blah blah. Nothin works.

Now for the reason I'm writing this entry. I'm really trying my best to not let this job stress me out. I'm trying to finally take it one day at a time and trust that Cavan really means it when he says that he will help me no matter what I need (aka money). I'm beginning to trust my support system and realize that it's not the end of the world if everything doesn't go my way. As I grow up a little, I realize that sometimes the best things happen when everything is seemingly going wrong.

A year ago today, I resolutely left Portland to come to Minnesota and live with Cavan and "get a job." I did something heroic (for me)-- I quit my job (that I hated) without having another lined up, and I left. I went where I felt my heart leading me, and I didn't double and triple check that all of my safety nets were in place before I jumped. Granted, things were hard. Really hard. They're still far, far, far from easy. I'm struggling every day for money. After student loans, rent, groceries, and gas, I have almost zero spending or saving cash. Cavan really picks up the slack and treats us to dinner or a bottle of wine at least once a week, but only since he's gotten full time at the MLC can I really allow him to treat me without worrying about it. We're going to Duluth next weekend for a little mini-vacation and I almost feel like it's a new chapter starting, or the celebration of our hugely successful last chapter.

I have a lot of time here to think about things. To be honest, a lot of times I'm not the most productive worker. I've had so many great ideas, but I'm having a little bit of an issue really getting all of the emails out and researching all of the places that I need to contact and keeping track of what has been done, what I'm doing, and what still needs to be done. I do a lot of reflecting, so I'm never really bored. I have realized, though, since I've been here that I do oh-so-much better when I have specific tasks to focus on and complete. It's just the person I am and the person I've always been. It just so happens that here at this job, I'm really only responsible for completing ambiguous and tenuous things throughout the year and I don't have a ton of tasks that I can think about completing. I need to figure out the best way of setting small goals for myself and tackling them to feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore motivation throughout the day. 

I am going to try to get this part of my life in check. It's one of my goals for this year.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Constant Struggle

This morning I feel the need to write to get into the right mode for the day. Katie is twenty minutes late, so I have a little time to collect myself before having to socialize and plan for the day.

Friday with my students was awesome. I was excited to meet them and even more excited that there were students that I didn't interview that were there to be in my class. Yesterday was a little bit of a different story. It wasn't bad, per se, but just more of a reality check, I think. They acted like 7, 8, and 9th graders. They giggled and talked and were dramatically not interested in me or anything I had to say. There is also a lingering failure that I don't have even close to 25 students. I think there will be 16 on a good day. 25 is a lot. I don't know, I just feel a little bit like it's a failure on my part, even though I did everything I could to make sure that I had a great list. It was also really hard to round up the students on the first day to interview them. A few of the girls that seemed really excited to be in cohort I either lost to cheerleading or to reading or math intervention classes.

I don't really have all that much responsibility in this job. To be honest, if nothing gets done, it won't be my head. I'll still get paid and I'll still get to put it on my resume. But I don't really want it to happen that way. I actually would really like to get a ton out of this job, and get the most experience doing the most amount of things that I thought I would.

I just really want to love this job. I want to adore it, I want it to be the most fun I've ever had. I want the tiny paychecks to not bother me, because I want to just kick this job's ass and really love my life because of it.

At least I don't have a lot of work to do in my personal life to be happy. Cavan and I are the happiest we've ever been, and I have to say that the fact that we don't spend much time together during the week makes the time that we have off together that much more special. I am so happy to have him as a partner, that I hope I can make it through anything as long as he's on my side.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I know, I know.

It's been a long time. I can't even count how many times I've said that. Blogs are neigh impossible for me to keep up, but then I get the urge to write and start again. I guess it doesn't matter, it's really just a convenient journal.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote here. Obviously. It's been eight months. Eight months is long enough to become a different person. Shit, it's almost long enough to grow a NEW person. So, yeah, lots of things. Lots of big things have happened. Here's a short list of the biggest things:

1. Cavan and I are both more gainfully employed than we had been in January. He is now full-time at the MLC as a coordinator and teacher. I am a full-time AmeriCorps Promise Fellow and part-time at Pottery Barn. It's only my second week, so I'm still feeling it out. Technically it's Cavan's first week at 40 hours (he's been doing 30 hours/week for the last month), so he still hasn't gotten the full taste of it all either.

2. Michelle is dead. I wince even reading the sentence, but it's all I want/need to say about that subject for now.

3. I've visited home twice since the last posting. Once in February for my parents' birthdays and once in June with Cavan for Al Talento's wedding.

4. Lauren has gone to Madagascar and come back. Our friendship is in better shape now than it was when she first got back, but it's still a little weird.

5. Most of my Mac friends are no longer in the cities. Lauren is pretty much the only one around, so it can get a little lonely sometimes. I've been relying on other friends like Hannah and Cavan's friends to go out with. I suppose it's been good. I find myself a lot closer to Cavan's friends since the Michelle incident.

6. I have my truck now and it's great for me to stretch my legs every once in a while. The amount that gas is costing me, though, can't continue. It's going to kick my ass sooner or later. Especially until I get my stupid loan deferment figured out.

I am lonely today. I don't know why-- I suppose it could have something to do with being locked up in an office by myself all day long with little to no meaningful contact with the outside world, or I guess it could just be my personality. Some days I get into a really dark place and don't know how to deal with myself. Unfortunately, on these days I feel so sorry for myself that I just don't get anything else done. I don't focus well, I try to reach out and then either get distracted or annoyed by myself and my own voice. The best thing for me to do is write it all out. Get some of the shitty, negative feelings out and stop pitying myself.

Maybe this entry will help me do that, maybe I'll just end up leaving early and taking a nap before Pottery Barn.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Peaceful morning

I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, just having finished a garlic bagel, enjoying my coffee and the Avett Brothers. I feel peaceful and quiet. I feel like everything is okay in this moment.

I've been feeling really sick again, and I'm pretty sure it's my B vitamin deficiency coming back to bite me in the ass. Course of action at this point is to just start taking the vitamins again and wait out the sickness a little bit. I've done it before, there's no reason I can't do it again. I just don't really understand it, because the foods I most often eat (eggs, poultry, leafy greens, and whole grains) are the most B vitamin rich foods. It's just one of those wonderful side effects of birth control. "The hormones go toe to toe with your B vitamins, and the hormones always win." Or so the fine, fine doctor at Mac told me last year. She was the only one that was able to even GUESS what was wrong with me. And, after about a month or so of taking the vitamins everyday, I felt like myself again. Seeing as how one of the side effects of B vitamin deficiency is death, and I could feel myself getting slowly worse all the time, I'm happy one medical professional knew what the hell they were doing.

Cavan isn't sure how to handle it, because there's really nothing that can be done aside from the vitamins, so I think it's a little stressful for him.

Aside from the little bit of sickness going on, I'm happy. I'm doing okay.

Monday, January 11, 2010

So lazy

I haven't posted in what seems like forever (I didn't check the date before beginning this post today, so it very well could have been two months.

I could say that it's because I was so bust with work for the last few weeks. I could also say that I forget sometimes that I write in a blog. Another thing I could say is that I like to write in my handwritten journal sometimes for reasons of facility and privacy.

But I think the real reason is that I'm too lazy a lot of the time. I don't think I'm the type of person that gets a hell of a lot done on days off. Most times, I'm too tired to do too much. Other times, if Cavan is home too, I prefer to get our errands done and spend time with him over privately writing in my online blog. But I do think having my blog is important. It's somewhere that I can spout off about one thing or another, and not feel like I'm going to have to pay for it down the road.

Well, I'm in the process of spending my first full winter in Minnesota. Not a huge fan. Just have to throw that out there. I miss my family, my dog, and my home. BUT. I guess it's worth it. Cavan is worth it. He's really the only thing I have anchoring me here, but it's a good enough anchor that I have no urge to try and convince him to go away with me.

I don't mind my job, I just wish I got paid a lot more. I'm still looking for other jobs and applying here and there. Apparently, there are pretty much 1 in 10 odds that I'll get anything, but it was one of my New Year's resolutions. To get a better job. Something I can be proud of and somewhere that I'll feel like I'm moving in the right direction. My other resolution was to stop stressing out so much. Psh. Like that's going to happen.

Well, blog, Happy 2010. And I say it Two-thousand ten, not twenty ten.

I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm loved, and I have a roof over my head. Things could be worse.