Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Constant Struggle

This morning I feel the need to write to get into the right mode for the day. Katie is twenty minutes late, so I have a little time to collect myself before having to socialize and plan for the day.

Friday with my students was awesome. I was excited to meet them and even more excited that there were students that I didn't interview that were there to be in my class. Yesterday was a little bit of a different story. It wasn't bad, per se, but just more of a reality check, I think. They acted like 7, 8, and 9th graders. They giggled and talked and were dramatically not interested in me or anything I had to say. There is also a lingering failure that I don't have even close to 25 students. I think there will be 16 on a good day. 25 is a lot. I don't know, I just feel a little bit like it's a failure on my part, even though I did everything I could to make sure that I had a great list. It was also really hard to round up the students on the first day to interview them. A few of the girls that seemed really excited to be in cohort I either lost to cheerleading or to reading or math intervention classes.

I don't really have all that much responsibility in this job. To be honest, if nothing gets done, it won't be my head. I'll still get paid and I'll still get to put it on my resume. But I don't really want it to happen that way. I actually would really like to get a ton out of this job, and get the most experience doing the most amount of things that I thought I would.

I just really want to love this job. I want to adore it, I want it to be the most fun I've ever had. I want the tiny paychecks to not bother me, because I want to just kick this job's ass and really love my life because of it.

At least I don't have a lot of work to do in my personal life to be happy. Cavan and I are the happiest we've ever been, and I have to say that the fact that we don't spend much time together during the week makes the time that we have off together that much more special. I am so happy to have him as a partner, that I hope I can make it through anything as long as he's on my side.

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