Saturday, December 12, 2009

I think I need to write more.

There are constantly so many things going through my mind. I remember my junior year when I was doing so much writing, and I think that was when I was most in tune with myself and my mind. This isn't my only outlet, because I have my journal too, but it's a good and easy way to get some feelings out onto paper.

Of course, there are the money issues. It's Christmastime and I don't have any money to buy gifts for the people I love the most. I couldn't even really afford to go out with my friends last night for our secret santa Christmas celebration. It's hard, but I'm working through it. I'm okay with this lifestyle, because I know it will only get better from here. Cavan is a huge help, but this is all on me. My loans, my bills, my rent. It's all on me. I'm not sure how this is going to work, but I'm certainly hoping it gets better after the first of the year.

I like my job. I feel really lame for saying it, considering I could have done this stupid job right out of high school without 50,000 dollars in debt. And, honestly, the last thing I want to do is work retail the rest of my life, but I've learned the finer points of my skills set and I know what to look for in future jobs. I think I'll post about this, specifically, later. Hopefully Pottery Barn will give me a decent raise when I become core staff and/or have a full time position that I would be able to take at my store or in corporate. This is certainly not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want a schedule that I can normalize and a job that could make enough money to support a family. For now though, even though I feel a slight bit like a loser for working there, it's work, it's money, and it's something that I can get better at.

Alright, color me bored. I think I'm going to stop now.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Home sweet home.

I'm sitting here. In my new home. It's been a week since we moved in, and it is already starting to feel like we belong here. Like we belong here together. We got our futon on Friday (mom and dad bought it), so now I feel comfortable just sitting here watching the football game in my living room.

I wish Cavan were here, though. It feels like we've both been so busy lately. I guess it's partly because I've been working so much and when we're both off there are things to take care of. Friday we both had the day off, but Cavan had a meeting from 9-11, then we went to the mall and ikea, then home to build the futon (where we both got pretty well on the other's nerves), had pizza, relaxed a little, and went grocery shopping late. THEN somehow our butter and our peanut butter m&ms got left there, so I had to take an extra twenty or so minutes of our relaxing time to go back and get them. Oh well, I think it'll get better, but it just doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day for us to enjoy living together and being together.

I'm excited that we have Wednesday from about 6pm to Saturday at about 5pm off together. We'll probably relax Wednesday night, wake up Thursday morning really slowly and make breakfast burritos together, then in the afternoon/evening we'll make our Thanksgiving dinner. We're off together on Thursday. Cavan has a shift at the Matchbox from 2-7pm. I might go into work if someone asks me to cover for those particular hours, but other than that I'm planning on going with him and possibly working on job applications or something. It should be a pretty good weekend.

So far, it's been a little difficult. I'm feeling a little funny about how tired and busy we've been and how stressed out we've been about money. I think it's taken away a bit from the passion in our relationship. But it's only temporary. It's not toxic or dangerous at all at this point, just a little difficult to get used to. I was having kind of a hard day yesterday thinking about it, but I just decided to bring home some flowers for Cavan and leave him a sweet note. So when I got home from work, it was just us, just cuddling together in bed. Talking about our days, about how much we love each other and why. It just felt good. It felt right, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

We feel right. I love him to death and know that no other man would be able to give me the quality of love that he does.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Rough beginning to a seamless day?

Okay, so that last post was actually written on Monday of this week. I just never finished it and published it.

Last night I had a really terrible nightmare. It involved all of the people I love most in life being hurt or killed because of something I did. And no matter how many times I woke up, no matter what I did (i.e. got up, got water, went to the bathroom, text Cavan), it didn't go away. That feeling of guilt, of betrayal, never went away. And now that I'm hours away from it, it's not real anymore, but it's left me in a funk that I can't describe.

I will be leaving for work in 20 minutes. It could be a 5 hour shift or it could be an 8 hour shift. I really hate that. Not being able to just set your day and know when you'll be able to relax and take your shoes off. But, however long my shift is, I do know that Cavan will be there at the end of it to pick me up. And that alone makes things better. If I do work my on call tonight, I will have 39.5 hours for the week. I'm really hoping that that deters them from keeping me. But you know what? I could really use the money. And I hate having to feel like that. Having to feel like I have to do something I don't want to do just because I need the cash.

I sincerely believe that one day I will be comfortable enough to live the way I want to live. To live without being in debt. That's really all I want. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to have loads of money to manage, but I do want to eventually be able to focus on something other than money. That is a goal that both Cavan and I share. So if I'm lucky enough to have him as a partner for any length of time, I believe that we'll be able to work towards it together.

I'm praying that this is only a rough beginning to a seamless day. I'm hoping that once I get into the thick of things at work, I'll be able to focus and get through it quickly. I'm sure that's how it'll be. Positive. Okay, ready? GO.

Lento, pero seguro.

I feel as though I haven't written in forever, but it hasn't even been a week.

Lento, pero seguro.

I spent 9.5 hours at Pottery Barn today. From 6am to 330pm. Seriously. My body kills. On top of that I walked there and back which is just about 4 miles. I don't hate the job, but it's not what I want to be doing. It's going to do for now, especially because it means I can be with Cavan, but I can't wait to find something that I actually want to do.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Difficult time in life.

I am so excited to be beginning my adult life. A life of my own, where I can choose what I want to do, where I want to be, and who I want to share my life with.

Cavan and I will be signing a lease agreement on Friday. We found an apartment to call home. It's great. Small, but I think it'll be perfect for us. We found a mattress to buy, have payment options for it, and we're on our way to making our lives for ourselves. Affording a home and a life together. Doing what we can with what we have. I don't think we could be more excited about it.

I am the happiest I've been in a very, very long time. At the same time, though, I'm scared. I am not financially stable in the least. There seem to be no jobs out there for someone like me, even though I'm intelligent, educated, and capable of anything. I'm starting to really get down on myself. And I really have no one but Cavan to lean on. Right now, we're doing what we can.

I talked to the loan lady this morning. She's very nice, and I'm glad I scheduled a meeting with her. We talked about consolidation and what that would mean for me. It's going to mean payments at about $275 a month, which I can handle. Originally they would have been around $450 which I absolutely could not handle. But, she did bring to my attention that I qualify for economic hardship deferment, which is one of the most depressing things I've heard in my life. I just want to be normal. I want to afford my debts. My lifestyle is very affordable, seeing as how I just spend money on food and shelter, I just want to be able to afford the schooling that got me into this wonderful predicament.

I need to make some really hugely grown up decisions. It's a very scary time for me and I'm all on my own. But something deep down is telling me that I'll figure it out and I'll be okay.

Thank goodness for that feeing.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Not the best day of them all

Does anything ever just wring your guts? I have had that feeling almost all morning. I have a feeling I know where it's coming from, but everything is giving me that half-guilty, half-angry feeling and I can't seem to shake it.

I thought that talking to Cavan would help me. Apologizing for starting a fight last night while slightly inebriated. I feel really guilty about it, but I also feel angry. There are reasons, even if they were magnified last night, for why I was upset in the first place. I felt vulnerable, I felt at times like I was being treated like a child. But at the same time, I know that he would never do anything to hurt me, so I feel guilty for being even the least bit mad.

Cavan is good to me. He loves me more than anything, and a day never goes by without him doing everything he can to remind me how much he loves me. I don't want to do anything to put that in jeopardy--and I know that starting a fight with him is the best way to put him off. He's been through worse, he knows I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, and 95% of the time I'm on my best behavior. So I guess I just need to chalk this one up to a learning experience and not get drunk when he's not around anymore. Or at least not contact him when I'm drunk and have nothing to say. I need to be better about things, I need to be nicer to the people I love. Period. End of rant.

I hope that work can help me to get out of this funk. It seems that it usually cheers me up, or at least gives me something to do, so I'm thankful for that. We'll see how today goes.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Give me your eyes, I need sunshine.

This weekend was full of sunshine. Full of good things and glimpses into the future. Of course, there are always the little things that try to rain on your parade, but sometimes they just don't matter enough to change your day.

Cavan is my sunshine. No matter how long my day is, no matter how hard work is, how crappy I feel about my money situation, or how cold and harsh the weather is, Cavan is the sunshine that I need to perk up. I don't think I could get sick of being around him. Being with him is like being by myself but a million times better. All of the peace of being alone, but the comfort of having a partner and the utility of having someone to do things with if I want to.

That being said, I do like to hang out with my girlfriends. It's a shame that things feel a little more odd around them since I moved in, but its still nice for all of us to hang out sometimes. I think it'll be so much nicer once I move out and don't have to feel like I'm imposing all of the time. I really just want to get the hell up out of this place. It's cold, I sleep on the floor, and I'm always feeling awkward about being here or not being here. I can't feel like I'm at home here, so I just need to find a place that I can make my own.

I need somewhere to call home. Anywhere that I can sleep on a bed and feel comfortable doing whatever I want to do. I'll go there.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Good days from bad days

I had a terrible morning. Absolutely terrible. The last thing I wanted to do was go to work. But sometimes when I'm having really, really bad days like that, the most important thing for me to do is to feel productive. To get out of the house and do something.

Work was very productive for me today. I dealt with some great customers, I worked with some good people, and I made some money. Money to get me to where I really want to be : sharing my own place with the most amazing person I know. Starting our life. Being the people we want to be.

It's very hard trying to make ends meet by working retail. It's one of the most frustrating jobs you can do. Nothing is steady. Everything is reliant on traffic, attitudes, moods, sales. One hour is great, the next hour dead. There often is nothing to keep your brain occupied and the seconds tick by slower and slower until it feels as though you're suspended in space and time. It's what I've got for the moment, but I cannot wait to get something else. Something that will engage my mind a little more. Something steady. Something that'll make me more than $8.50 an hour.

When I have my manic days like today, I simultaneously pull people closer to me and push them away. I cry out for help, but then reject any help that is offered. It's a hard thing for the people closest to me - my mom has most often dealt with it (I rarely put the responsibility on anyone less close to me than her) and she's usually the only person I call on when I'm in a particularly self-loathing mood. Today, I called on Cavan with little expectation. I didn't want to make him feel like anything was his fault, I didn't want him to feel completely helpless in the situation, but I needed him. Cavan and only Cavan is what I need sometimes. Though I didn't feel much better after we talked the first time, after I got to work I felt the pressure slowly lifting off of me and knew that I have both him and my mom to thank.

I was lucky enough to fall in love with someone that is full of grace.

Lucky, lucky me.

Save it for a Sunny Day.

It's winter in the Great White North. It's cold and drippy outside.

Even though I can really get to hate the winter here, it's different this year. In some ways, I look forward to getting all bundled up and going places, getting home and taking off layers of clothes just to cuddle up in bed. I might regret saying this later but : winter can be okay, too. Even in Minnesota. Ask me how I feel in March, though. Guaranteed, I'll be pissed that I live here.

Today I'm going back and forth about going to work. It could be a really long day, it could go really quickly. There's no way of knowing until I actually get there and put myself in the thick of it--not like I have much of a choice, anyway. I much prefer going into work in the morning so I don't have hours and hours to dread it before I ever get on the bus. Usually after mornings like that, dreading the few hours I have to spend at work, I feel just fine once I get there. Sometimes I'm on the verge of tears throughout my shift. It's a craps shoot. Really.

I always hated retail most because my schedule was never regular. This summer at American Eagle, it was tolerable. 9am-1pm everyday. Perfect. I woke up, went to work, got off of work, ran errands, went home, hung out with my family, and then started it all over the next day. This is different. It's irritating.

Now that both Cavan and I have jobs, I think we're going to struggle a bit more to see each other. I still spend the majority of my time thinking about him and the things that we have to look forward to, and that gets me through a lot, but having to wait a week in between the nights I get to stay over is quite hard.

I'm going to cut this short now because I'm rambling and there's nothing I hate more.

This life is blessed, it always has been. I need to remember that on days when I really don't feel like doing what has to be done.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

How did we get here?

I just got back from a wonderful visit with Zuri. Though she and I didn't really connect until second semester of senior year, we have a lot in common. I see that more each tome we sit down and talk. She can be so wise, and sometimes that's what you really need in a friend.

One thing she said tonight will stick with me during the hard times. "We all just need to be a peace with ourselves" and each simple aspect in our lives to really create peace in a broader context. I think that's something I've been getting at since I moved back to Minnesota, but sometimes I just get stuck. Sometimes I get stuck in the 'what I should be doing with my life' instead of focusing on what I am doing with my life.

And you know what? I am doing some really wonderful things.

I am preparing myself to become the person I've always been meant to become--and I'm going to do it right this time. I'm sharing my life with a partner that I couldn't have dreamed up if I tried. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by beautiful and intelligent women that I can call friends.

I should be happy all of the time. I should work harder to be at peace with myself and my life.

That's my task for the week.

Welcome back, Kaylie.

This is my life.

I am sitting on a cold floor which also functions as my bed. This room is probably 60 degrees at the most. I am listening to Neil Young and my roommate talking on the phone the next room over. She's Ecuadorian, beautiful, popular, smart, and has so many things going for her. My other roommate (whose floor I sleep on) is somewhere studying, without a doubt. She's smart, capable, remarkable and overachieving. They are best friends. I love them both, but we are far from the three musketeers.

I am lonely.

Even calling them my "roommates" is a stretch. As soon as I get a paycheck from my "just for the time being" job, I will pay them all I can, but for now I am simply crashing their floor. So it goes. I can't even have roommates right.

I tried to do it right. I tried to be an activist. That didn't work out. Now I sell overpriced home items. They're pretty, but I don't even have a home/apartment/shack/storage facility to put them in. Nor do I have the money to purchase any of the things I sell. I'm great at my job--was called a 'superstar' twice last week--but I'm really just good at talking to people, smiling at people, and making them feel comfortable with me.

Day to day, my understanding of my life varies from "fuck, I'm pathetic" to "man, my life is working for me right now." I don't know where I'm at, and I hope that this blog will help me come to terms with what is right and what is wrong with all that I'm attempting to accomplish. One thing I do know about myself is that everything I do is intensely personal. So goes this blog. I cannot be simply professional. I cannot disconnect myself from people, from my writing, from my thoughts. Everything I say and do is personal and I don't think there's a problem with that.

One more thing. There's a man in my life. The kind of man that holds and consoles me when I miss my dog back home so intensely that I spend the whole morning crying in bed. The kind of man that will drive over to see me for ten minutes if that's all the time allowed in the day. The kind of man that tells me it's all going to be okay and I believe him.

The kind of man you move across the country for. The kind of man you quit jobs for.

That kind of man. That kind of life.