Okay, so that last post was actually written on Monday of this week. I just never finished it and published it.
Last night I had a really terrible nightmare. It involved all of the people I love most in life being hurt or killed because of something I did. And no matter how many times I woke up, no matter what I did (i.e. got up, got water, went to the bathroom, text Cavan), it didn't go away. That feeling of guilt, of betrayal, never went away. And now that I'm hours away from it, it's not real anymore, but it's left me in a funk that I can't describe.
I will be leaving for work in 20 minutes. It could be a 5 hour shift or it could be an 8 hour shift. I really hate that. Not being able to just set your day and know when you'll be able to relax and take your shoes off. But, however long my shift is, I do know that Cavan will be there at the end of it to pick me up. And that alone makes things better. If I do work my on call tonight, I will have 39.5 hours for the week. I'm really hoping that that deters them from keeping me. But you know what? I could really use the money. And I hate having to feel like that. Having to feel like I have to do something I don't want to do just because I need the cash.
I sincerely believe that one day I will be comfortable enough to live the way I want to live. To live without being in debt. That's really all I want. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to have loads of money to manage, but I do want to eventually be able to focus on something other than money. That is a goal that both Cavan and I share. So if I'm lucky enough to have him as a partner for any length of time, I believe that we'll be able to work towards it together.
I'm praying that this is only a rough beginning to a seamless day. I'm hoping that once I get into the thick of things at work, I'll be able to focus and get through it quickly. I'm sure that's how it'll be. Positive. Okay, ready? GO.