Friday, October 23, 2009

Not the best day of them all

Does anything ever just wring your guts? I have had that feeling almost all morning. I have a feeling I know where it's coming from, but everything is giving me that half-guilty, half-angry feeling and I can't seem to shake it.

I thought that talking to Cavan would help me. Apologizing for starting a fight last night while slightly inebriated. I feel really guilty about it, but I also feel angry. There are reasons, even if they were magnified last night, for why I was upset in the first place. I felt vulnerable, I felt at times like I was being treated like a child. But at the same time, I know that he would never do anything to hurt me, so I feel guilty for being even the least bit mad.

Cavan is good to me. He loves me more than anything, and a day never goes by without him doing everything he can to remind me how much he loves me. I don't want to do anything to put that in jeopardy--and I know that starting a fight with him is the best way to put him off. He's been through worse, he knows I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, and 95% of the time I'm on my best behavior. So I guess I just need to chalk this one up to a learning experience and not get drunk when he's not around anymore. Or at least not contact him when I'm drunk and have nothing to say. I need to be better about things, I need to be nicer to the people I love. Period. End of rant.

I hope that work can help me to get out of this funk. It seems that it usually cheers me up, or at least gives me something to do, so I'm thankful for that. We'll see how today goes.

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