Thursday, October 15, 2009

Good days from bad days

I had a terrible morning. Absolutely terrible. The last thing I wanted to do was go to work. But sometimes when I'm having really, really bad days like that, the most important thing for me to do is to feel productive. To get out of the house and do something.

Work was very productive for me today. I dealt with some great customers, I worked with some good people, and I made some money. Money to get me to where I really want to be : sharing my own place with the most amazing person I know. Starting our life. Being the people we want to be.

It's very hard trying to make ends meet by working retail. It's one of the most frustrating jobs you can do. Nothing is steady. Everything is reliant on traffic, attitudes, moods, sales. One hour is great, the next hour dead. There often is nothing to keep your brain occupied and the seconds tick by slower and slower until it feels as though you're suspended in space and time. It's what I've got for the moment, but I cannot wait to get something else. Something that will engage my mind a little more. Something steady. Something that'll make me more than $8.50 an hour.

When I have my manic days like today, I simultaneously pull people closer to me and push them away. I cry out for help, but then reject any help that is offered. It's a hard thing for the people closest to me - my mom has most often dealt with it (I rarely put the responsibility on anyone less close to me than her) and she's usually the only person I call on when I'm in a particularly self-loathing mood. Today, I called on Cavan with little expectation. I didn't want to make him feel like anything was his fault, I didn't want him to feel completely helpless in the situation, but I needed him. Cavan and only Cavan is what I need sometimes. Though I didn't feel much better after we talked the first time, after I got to work I felt the pressure slowly lifting off of me and knew that I have both him and my mom to thank.

I was lucky enough to fall in love with someone that is full of grace.

Lucky, lucky me.

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